Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
