DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
