I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
