so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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