Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize