just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dear god my vagina.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
