I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
