Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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