sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
