who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
