My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
