if you like me you must not know who I am
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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