oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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