my vag is so smooth its legendary
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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