Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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