see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
