Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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