'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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