dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
