I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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