She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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