she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I think my moral compass just broke
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
