I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
