his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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