i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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