Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
