Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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