so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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