I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
