Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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