piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
