I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
