I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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