anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
only you would photoshop your dick
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
