i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
