weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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