dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
