I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We need to get me chipped asap
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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