Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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