you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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