new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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