haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
