Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
