i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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