Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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