Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
