the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
sarcasm needs its own font
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
