i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
