like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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