I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
