turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
