I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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