She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
