he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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