When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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