you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize